


How to Make a Family by Matt Murdock

by deniigiq



Series: Lighter Fluid Verse [4]
Category: Daredevil (TV), Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Bad Decisions, Found Family, Gen, M/M, Team Dynamics, Team Red, Team as Family, like a violently long line of bad decisions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-02-01 07:03:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21429937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deniigiq/pseuds/deniigiq
Summary: Step 1.Have a dad.Step 2.Lose your dad. Be miserable. Great job, everyone. We’re doing amazing so far.(Matt's arduous journey towards being a functional person, with many stops and starts along the way.)
Relationships: Luke Cage & Jessica Jones & Matt Murdock & Danny Rand, Margaret Murdock & Matt Murdock, Matt Murdock & Franklin "Foggy" Nelson & Karen Page, Matt Murdock & Peter Parker & Wade Wilson, Matt Murdock & his extended family, Matt Murdock/Franklin "Foggy" Nelson
Series: Lighter Fluid Verse [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1523357
Comments: 46
Kudos: 923





	How to Make a Family by Matt Murdock

**Author's Note:**

> I meant to get this into the DFV but didn't want to fuck up any timelines happening in it while I was writing it.  
Now, that threat has passed!! So please take this.

How to Make a Family

By Matt Murdock

**Step 1**. Have a dad.

**Step 2**. Lose your dad. Be miserable. Great job, everyone. We’re doing amazing so far.

**Step 3**. Attempt to find a replacement dad.

**Step 4.** Fail abysmally. Like, make that shit stunning. Literally ruin your life for the rest of all eternity. Make yourself physically unlovable by all potential foster families, church members, and living humans. Don’t worry if you get tripped up by this step, you can repeat this one as many times as it takes for you to learn a goddamn lesson, but be equally warned: you will not learn that goddamn lesson.

**Step 5.** Go to law school because fuck it, why the hell not?

**Step 6:** fall in stupid, hopeless love with your roommate

**Step 7:** do not account for the fact that the roommate maybe loves you back. Fuck no. REPRESS. THAT. SHIT.

**Step 8.** No longer repress that shit. Accept the roommate. Embrace the roommate. Maybe drunkenly kiss the roommate and then make _extraordinarily _poor decisions with the roommate involving truly horrendous sex on a twin-sized bed.

**Step 9.** Meet your soulmate in the form of a tiny, angry woman set up to ruin your life by the first failed dad figure.

**Step 10**. Do not commit murder.

**Step 11.** Wave goodbye to your soulmate and sob helplessly on your roommate. Don’t worry. Roomie ain’t going anywhere. Cling to this because it is the only thing you’ve got going for you for the next three years.

**Step 12.** Have a fuckload of casual and unhealthy relationships.

**Step 13.** Graduate. Accidently make a nemesis out of your roommate’s girlfriend who knows more than he does and possibly you do that you would do anything to be with the roommate--including steal him from a perfectly respectable internship with a perfectly respectable job offer at the end of it.

**Step 14.** Set up a law firm.

**Step 15.** Acquire a client. This is family member #2. You will now kill for her. Congratulations.

**Step 16**. Attempt to semi-murder some Russians

**Step 17**. Get found by your roommate!!

**Step 18.** Get abandoned by your roommate!! Well done, everyone, we are back down to one family member. Let’s hope nothing bad happens to them!!

**Step 19.** Get re-found by your roommate!! Attempt to make up. Lie a lot about being better and more honest in future. That’ll show ‘em.

**Step 20.** Become a terrorist in the eyes of the media?? Maybe skip this step if possible.

**Step 21.** Make an intentional nemesis of the Punisher. Congratulations! You have found family member #3! It doesn’t matter if you don’t fucking want him, he’s yours now, baby!

**Step 22.** Ruin everyone in your family’s lives with a botched trial! Break up with the Roommate. Cut ties with family member #2. Do not fuck her.

**Step 23**. Re-kindle your sexual relationship with your soulmate. Oh, by the way, she’s back. We’re going to call her family member #4 now, ‘cause she’s harder to kill than a fucking cockroach.

**Step 24**. Make the mistake of allowing The Punisher (nemesis) and the soulmate to join forces.

**Step 25:** Just fucking murder your soulmate. Do it, you coward. Yeah, suffer them consequences, you piece of shit.

**Step 26**. Get smashed. Get angry. Go out and nigh-eviscerate some folks. Don’t worry, you’ve got a couple months for this step/spiral.

**Step 27.** Trip over the Spider. Menace him. Say it’s his fault. Ignore all apologies and tell the Spider to get and keep the fuck out of your city or else. That’ll fix him.

**Step 28**. Go on another bender. Drink too much. Forget to eat. It’s fine, you’re not alone, you’ll always have the Devil to talk to.

**Step 29.** Accidently kick the Spider in the head. Realize now that the Spider is approximately 12 years old and you just kicked him in the fucking head. Holy fuck, you fucking _disgrace_. You fucking _child abuser_. You are no better than your teacher, not even an iota.

**Step 30**. Feel bad.

**Step 31**. Go on, you ain’t done yet. I’ll tell you when to fucking stop.

**Step 32**. Orchestrate another trip over the Spider. Do it gently this time. Make the same kind of fuss but, when his voice does the horrible wavering thing, clear yours and announce obnoxiously that there’s only one thing to do to stop this and it’s to help the Spider fight properly.

Congratulations! You have found family member #5! Aw, he’s so happy. Oh wow, he’s still talking.

Jesus fuck. He’s _still_ talking.

**Step 33.** Meet Deadpool. Make tracks. You are an idiot, but not that kind of idiot.

**Step 34**. Meet Deadpool. Nearly die. Admit that Deadpool might have just saved your goddamn life. Reflect. Reflect. Reflect.

**Step 35**. Accidently set a foot outside HK and find yourself in the crossfire between a load of morons, Deadpool and the Spider. Do what you do best. Bask in the awe and approval of the giant man and the Spider afterwards.

**Step 36**. Get charmed onto a team.

Wait. What?

**Step 37**. Investigate: why the fuck is the Spider crying? Who has made the Spider so distraught? He is 12. 15, whatever. They must die, whoever they are.

Eliminate the threat. Maybe, sort of, kind of, give away your identity. It’s fine, it’s a mutual exchange. His name’s Peter Parker.

**Step 38**. Alright, a big step made up of many little ones, so stick with me. In the absence of reliable supervision, make shit decisions. Drink too much. Work too much. Sleep never. Fuck Deadpool. Yeah, go on. We all knew it was going to happen with your goddamn track record, pal. Kind of make up with the Roommate and family member #2. More or less get back onto speaking terms with them. Hire an office coordinator and an intern for the summer. But most importantly, meet a tiny angry woman with a camera and a scarf. Guess what! She’s family member #6. Hey, y’all are mutual functional alcoholics. Drink to that, babes.

**Step 39**. Fuck, there’s more. Okay, well. You’ve always wanted a weird brother. Two weird brothers. One weird annoying brother and one big, grumpy brother that only calls you ‘Gary.’ Oh, yeah. That’s fine. That’s cool. Let’s call them family members #7 and #8.

Damn, it’s getting kind of crowded in here.

**Step 40**. Hey, so. Dunno if you’ve noticed with all the bad decision-making things going on, but Deadpool just went on a bender with you and brought you home at the end of it. He’s kind of cool with your whole deal with the Roommate. So, that sort of makes him your biggest, weirdest family member. So, welcome #9 to the family.

**Step 41**. THE SOULMATE IS BACK. Girl, did we miss you!! Yeah, totally go out with her to the bottom of a pit. That’s safe.

**Step 42.** Die.

**Step 43.** Wake up. That’s right, sleeping beauty, death is still too kind for the likes of you. Hey, by the way, this nun lady standing over you? You know her and guess what??? She’s been your fuckin’ mom this whole damn time. Congrats, you’ve found family member generation 1, #2. But now, since you are a fucking self-absorbed, suicidal piece of shit, let’s call her family member #10. Or hell, maybe family member #1, since you’ve lost literally everything you’ve ever worked for and which ever mattered to you. Hell, yeah. Since you’re gonna die like an idiot soon anyways, why the fuck not start over?

Hello family member #1. Nice to finally make your acquaintance. Give us a few days to shake off the shock and we’ll be right with you.

**Step 44**. Get the fuck back on the rails. Say thank you and I’m sorry to your goddamn mother, for fuck’s sake, she’s been here the whole damn time.

**Step 45**. Wake the fuck up and appreciate that the Spider and Deadpool and Jessica and Danny and Luke were all worried as fuck about you. Feel ashamed for that. Bad dog, no biscuit.

**Step 46**. Celebrate a couple holidays with the guys.

**Step 47.** Nearly lose the kid, once to Stark, then once to the city.

That’s your baby brother. Yeah, it’s normal to not stop shaking sometimes.

**Step 48**. The Roommate loves you, you asshole. He and family member #2 want to start up a new firm. Yeah, it’s pretty great, but don’t cry though, ya moron. People are around.

**Step 49**. Wake up one morning and realize that your family looks like the following:

Slightly-estranged but well-meaning mother

Best friend with the great hair and a nose for trouble

Frank fucking Castle (whether you want him or not)

A highly functional alcoholic who thinks you’re funny but won’t admit it

The strange little cult-brother

The strange cult-brother’s girlfriend

The strange cult-brother’s girlfriend’s cop friend

Your nurse friend who you fucking failed to appreciate earlier, you shithead

The big, sometimes grumpy, bullet-proof brother

Your secretary

A spider

The Spider’s mom

The Spider’s best friend

The Spider’s other best friend/your intern

The merc with a mouth

His cat

Your soulmate

Your roommate/best friend/life partner

And your dad, you fucking moron, he’s been with you in your heart this whole time.

**Step 50**. Rinse and repeat the relevant/applicable steps from 1 to 49 for those persons who seem more or less worth it for the foreseeable future.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] How to Make a Family by Matt Murdock](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23543995) by [fensandpodfic (fensandmarshes)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fensandmarshes/pseuds/fensandpodfic)


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